As a young girl I had very idealistic goals about love and marriage. I had plans to marry no one other than the person I loved. I was ready to sacrifice my whole life for this one person. I firmly believed that the one I loved would always love me. He would actually take responsibility for my well being and happiness, forever. He would understand me and always be there to help me in trouble. Without him, I would be completely lost. This was in a nutshell my interpretation of what a life partner should be like.
I must have been completely stoned to come up with this ridiculous definition. It is also funny that I talk about being drunk. I am not a teetotaler. Very rarely, have I had a glass of wine with dinner, which is much too less to ever get me tipsy. I have never smoked or tried out narcotic drugs. However, I feel that I am, often, very much intoxicated by my imagination. Eventually, reality, all of a sudden, presents a shock and wakes me up from my stupor. At such a point of time, I usually feel angry, frustrated, afraid and even sorry for myself.
Through the various experiences in life, I have come to the rational conclusion that nobody can take the burden of somebody else's happiness. The first step is to take up this duty for oneself. But even then, I cannot feel motivated to live just for myself. When I work everyday, with honesty and sincerity, I also feel the need to be loved, just for being myself. So I find myself seeking you, my love, all the time. It does not matter if I cannot see you. It does not matter if I cannot touch you. I just need to feel you with all my heart. You are the hero of my imagination. I know very little about you in reality. And yet, you are more real than anything I have ever felt.
"Khuda jaane ke mein fida hoon,
Khuda jaane ke mein mit gaya.
Khuda jaane yeh kyun hua hain,
Ke ban gaye ho tum mere khuda."
(God knows that I am obsessed,
God knows that I am destroyed.
God knows why this happened
that you have become my God.)