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Life is the journey to discover yourself.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Written Apology

The shiny piece of copper touched your feet and I asked, "Do you love me?" The answer was not what I could accept. I threw myself on the bed in anguish. I did not know how to change that answer. It was simple for you to say "No".  It propelled my whole world into a turmoil... On the fifth of last month, after a super busy June, it came to me as a total surprise. I had heard about allergies but never really understood that my body actually had some serious attitude.  It was very upset with the four shrimps I had that day. The crustaceans were never my favorites. My lips became itchy everytime I ate a few. I never gave it a second thought though, mostly because it happenned far in-between. On that day, I returned from work thinking it would be fun to go for a run at the REC center with my husband. We were both quite hungry and finished a bowl of shrimp Tom Yum before heading to the gym. I had a good run but towards the end of  forty five mins, I felt my ears were warm and hands and feet felt itchy. I stopped to drink some water and realized that I was feeling sick and dizzy. I sat down on the seat of a rowing machine and turned my eyes to my bare thighs and hands. I saw that my skin had broke out into hives. I told my husband to take me to a hospital quickly. By the time he got the car, I was so lightheaded that I had to sit on the sidewalk . I had trouble seeing anything even a few feet away. Very soon, I had only darkness before my eyes. I panicked and told my husband that I was going to die. He suggested I relax and close my eyes. He had allergy attacks before so he knew. But I later surmised that even he did not know that this was way more severe... As I sat in the car , I had everything pass by me in a huge blurry confusion. I had never had this sort of experience of utter loss of control. My brain stopped thinking . I felt the need to use the restroom . My husband took me to a nearby Walgreens. I got off the car holding him with both hands and putting my head on his broad chest. I could not see and relied on him to lead me to the restroom. I don't know but he may have tried to lock the car at that point. Without the support, I fell on the ground hitting my head and fainted. My hair clasp broke in three pieces and saved my head from bruises. Failing to pick up my unconscious body, my husband called 911... The emergency services came quickly and took me to ER. After three hours of attention, I was revived and later released to go home.
After the whole experience I thought I had learnt a lesson about letting go. I had zero contribution in the whole revival process. I was only part conscious most of the time. As the situation had it, I had to submit to you completely. I was calm and felt safe in your hands. It was when I regained consciousness that I altered my stance and started to take decisions based on my own discretion....Truth is like the illusive lover. You anticipate the footsteps and you think you know. You catch a glimpse and you think you saw. Only when you come face to face and lift the veil, the beauty is unbearable and you think you never knew it and never saw it this way...
The medical bills for the anaphylaxis came in today. I had already paid $250.00 when discharged. I got some more bills totalling almost $2000. I knew this time though that nothing compared to paying for one's own life. In the same mail pile was a mail from American Express Credit Card services. It was dated 26th July. It said my credit card account was delinquent. I was shocked and scared of the unexpected and could not believe that it could be my fault. I take pride in paying off the credit card balance and thought it was some unsrupulous setup to swindle some money.  I have multiple AMEX cards out of which I use only one. My suspicion fell on the unused victims. In my foolish excitement I misread the account number and went on a wild goose chase , jumping onto a theory that someone else may have used the card and put a balance on it. When I tried to call the numbers listed, the call did not go through. It frustrated and panicked me. All kinds of scary doubts crept into my mind and started a rave party in my brain... Thankfully, I soon found that my kids were calling up thier Granddad, without my knowledge and nothing was wrong with the phone numbers. But the damage was well in its way. I was seething with anger and frustration , convinced that all the allegations were bogus as I could not possibly have been negligent. I had already sent my payment for July and there was no bill sent via email or paper for June. So when a unlucky customer representative came on the line to help me with my questions, I unleashed a shower of  high pitched explanations with all the necessary exhibits bolstering my case. He checked everything and confirmed that even though there was a balance for June , no bill was sent to me. Their arguement was that the statement was available on the American Express website  and that I should have checked it. Unfortunately, I had lost the login info and was relying on my emails and had no way of knowing the fact. The whole thing was a mistake at best and not a scary conspiracy as I conjured it to be. In my stupidity I had even asked them for a written apology for this mixup.
In the end I calmed down but what was I really trying to do ? It drove home to me much much later that night when your "No" started to eat me inside. How can I live without your support ? Slowly and surely I realized  that nothing else mattered. I could not lose your love. Stupid and greedy, was I fighting against you? Those are the most appropriate words to describe me, but I did not mean to be so.  I understood this after my mind became at ease. If you took care of everything then why could I not keep the trust in you when things caught me by surprise? If I love you why could I not keep my faith in you? I see my mistakes but cannot still help loving who I am. And though it is hard to explain I love you even more. That is what kept me alive.

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