Sunday, February 22, 2009
I can swim but I am still afraid of the deep waters. When fear grips my heart I don't see my surroundings even though my eyesight is supposedly unaffected. The change is actually in what I process in my brain. The same visual sensations translate differently when I am afraid versus when I am calm and the effect is amazingly different.
I remember the other day, how simply terrified I was, to attempt at going any further than my comfort zone. It was really funny because I could unmistakably come back from the deep into the shallow waters, everytime. I figured that it was all in the head.
This became even more apparent when last weekend, I decided to be really calm from the get-go. I worked out in my head a backup strategy that I could execute with reasonable confidence when I was swimming at the deep end. I distinctly remember how different my surroundings felt. They actually felt more friendly and harmless. This is particularly strange as I am talking about the same pool walls, the same blue waters and the same lane dividers. Honestly, they felt different. They were more inviting and I had the confidence that nothing could go wrong if I ventured further. Even the stretch of water seemed shorter and much more doable. So I actually went back and forth in the deep waters couple times. I still have a long way to go. However, it was a step ahead and I gave myself a pat on the back.
Fear is an incredible thing. It grabs you straight out of the driver's seat and shoves you right into one of those back seats and you completely lose control. You are paralyzed with dismay and seem to be unable to participate or have any effect on the outcome that you behold in front of your eyes. I don't like that feeling. Hence I am trying hard to work on overcoming my fears.
My other great fear is that of losing you. I keep telling myself, time and again, that I am going to be alright no matter what. Even then, I see myself struggling very hard to come to terms with the fact that I can really live without your loving support. I need to believe in myself and let you go. So much easier said than done. Everytime the question comes up, I see myself going crazy. I feel stupid and ashamed of the poor tortured soul within me. But I am doing better with time and effort. Today, when I broke down in anticipation of the worst, I saw that I could pick myself up again, with renewed faith. I chanted the "Durga mantra" again and again and I really felt that I was going to be okay. It is another story that you decided to come enquiring about me and completely shattered the recovery process. However, today, I live with a glimmer of hope that I can probably overcome my fears ( with God's grace).